The struggle between who you really are and how you present yourself to the world

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No one really knows me: Emilie's story of feeling misunderstood

"I don't feel seen." "I feel like the people I love don't really know me." How many times have you had this thought cross your mind?

Emilie felt that very often.

To her surroundings, Emilie was the strong, independent woman, the life of the party, an extrovert, a doer, and not particularly emotional.

Very rarely did friends consciously ask Emilie how she was doing and what was going on in her life personally. It seemed everyone assumed that she was always doing great and that she would not be interested in these kinds of intimate conversations. Ironically, in her relationships, she was often the one asking about and listening to the struggles of others.

In reality, Emilie felt empty and lonely sometimes. On the one hand, she was often on the go and of course a part of her was feeling fulfilled with all she was achieving in life and the buzzing social life she had. But whenever she had time alone and she payed attention to how she really felt, she noticed she felt empty. She felt like no one really understood her. She felt drained by the persona she was trying to show everyone. The masks she was desperately holding.

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The many layers of who I truly am

Of course, much of what her friends saw in her was very much an authentic and real part of her. She is actively working on projects she cares about and has a strong drive to make things happen, which inspires many. She's quite charismatic and loves spending time with groups of friends and having fun.

But that's just a part of her.

As much as a side of her is deeply extroverted, another side of her is deeply introverted. That part loves to spend time by herself and to meet one-on-one with friends to have deep meaningful conversations, away from the small talk of big groups. Despite what others may think, Emilie is also a deeply sensitive person. She is very attuned to her emotional world and the world of others. And although she loves her freedom, she also values feeling a sense of community.

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The Idealized self: A trap that doesn't allow people to get to really know you

Why is there a gap between how Emilie experiences herself and how others view her?

Like many things, the answer lies in the environment she grew up in and the influence it had on her.

Somehow Emilie learned as a child that only some parts of her personality were more likely to get her needs met. If only she focused on the part of her that is a hyper-achiever and a do-it-all, she would then feel whole, appreciated, and good enough. Unfortunately, that isn't true. Because what we all really want is to be loved for who we are at the core, not for what we do. And so every time she acted from that hyper-achiever and hyperrational self and disowned all of the other parts of her, she disconnected just a little bit more from the totality of her self.

And something deep inside her knew that, and it hurt. Every time a friend or loved one praised her for one of these characteristics, this reinforced the idea that these characteristics are what make her worthy and that she should hold on to them even more.

This reinforced her thought that "No one really knows the real me" And this thought made her deeply sad. Because it's not only about her disconnection from others but, even more importantly, her disconnection from herself.

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Embracing the complexity of the self: The Path to feeling seen

One day, Emilie woke up and realized that she didn't need to escape from the pain she was feeling, that the pain of disconnection was guiding her to her journey of personal transformation. Her journey to integrate how she views herself and how she presents herself to the world, this gap in identity.

She realized that the issue wasn't really that people around her could not understand her. But that she needed to love and accept the different parts of herself a little more. She needed to start believing that these parts deserve to see the light. She needed to have the courage to see how people would hold space for these parts, accepting the uncomfortable reality that some people may not be able to but that some would.

With time, she discovered that these parts she once hid; her emotional sensitivity & vulnerability, her desire to connect meaningfully with others, were not weaknesses, but instead gifts.

She came to understand that she was not defined by any particular part of her. That all of those parts were inside her.

Because to live fully means accepting the ambivalences that exist within each of us. Only through complete acceptance, can we find deep inner peace and cultivate strong and real relationships with others.

So what does your idealized self look like, and how is it different from the beautifully complex and multifaceted human you are - deserving of love as you are, in your essence and totality?

If you identify with this and want to learn more about how you can embrace your authentic self and nurture deeply fulfilling relationships, you can visit my coaching page for personal growth by clicking here. I very much look forward to speaking to you

Imagine channeling all the energy you've spent trying to consistently show one part of you while you hide the rest- pouring that energy instead into living fully.

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