Why always putting others first hurts relationships - and how to heal

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The people pleaser in relationships: Understanding it and its root

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How can you tell if you are a people-pleaser? It’s those who prioritize others’ needs over their own, and who find it challenging to voice or stand by their own needs in relationships.

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But where does this come from? People-pleasing is often a learned behavior that begins in childhood. It’s a response to the cultural or relational cues we grow up with, and we learn to cope by focusing on others’ needs—typically those of our parents. For children, maintaining connection feels vital. They may unconsciously believe that to preserve the bond, they must detach from their own needs and prioritize others, leading to a lifelong pattern of self-neglect for the sake of connection.

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How relationships are impacted by people-pleasing

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First and foremost, people-pleasing harms you. In focusing on what you think others expect (which is often inaccurate), you lose touch with your true self- your needs, values, and authenticity. This can build quiet resentment as your unmet needs linger beneath the surface.

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When it comes to relationships—be it with friends, family, romantic partners, or colleagues—others sense this disconnection. It can create a subtle yet real barrier to authentic connection, as they feel the inauthenticity, potentially leading to a lack of trust or distance in the relationship.

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Healthy relationships are built on mutual discovery—people want to discover each other’s worlds. People-pleasing removes the exploration, curiosity, and growth that relationships thrive on, often leaving both parties feeling unfulfilled.

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Stepping out of the people pleaser role

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Stepping away from this role means looking at the beliefs that keep you stuck in it—like the fear that people will reject you if you show your true self or the feeling that you’re not 'good enough.' These beliefs often start in childhood. By revisiting and working through the emotions you felt back then that are associated with these beliefs, understanding how you saw things as a child, and recognizing that now, as an adult, you can soothe and support that younger part of yourself, you can start to release the hold these old beliefs have on you.

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The next step is to reframe these beliefs according to your present self and begin to act from a place of greater clarity and self-acceptance. This process can be challenging to navigate alone, so having someone who can guide and support you can be invaluable. Practicing self-compassion is essential here; it creates the safety you need to explore these beliefs without the harshness of self-judgment, allowing real healing to unfold.

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And of course, to truly transform, practice responding to situations by attending to both your needs and those of others. Develop a sense of balance in setting healthy boundaries that keep connections genuine and fulfilling. Ironically, you may find this brings others closer, despite the fear that it won’t.

Taking these steps, even before they feel completely natural, rewires your mind toward a healthier way of being. This solidifies your growth and empowers lasting change.

Want to learn more about how I can support you in freeing yourself from limiting patterns to improve your relationship to yourself and others? Read this coaching page