The wound of not feeling good enough and how to support teens

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Low self-esteem in teenagers and how it shows up in teens

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At its core, it is a perception of oneself, which begins to seep into all aspects of life. As a parent, it may be really hard for you to watch your teen struggle with this.

This wound originates in childhood, but often only shows up later, especially in teenagers, when hormones are high and children feel like they need to figure out who they are and assert themselves in the world.

Unfortunately, our modern lifestyles and the toxic culture within school systems, filled with ideas of “we are only worthy when we do something or have something or act a certain way,” reinforce the idea that teens need to prove their worth, constantly evaluate themselves, compare themselves, and attach their qualities and abilities—or lack of—to their sense of self-worth.

Struggling with low self-esteem can show up in all kinds of ways. In some teenagers, it manifests in a relatively obvious way. In its most classical form, it shows up as a child who feels overly sensitive, fragile, insecure, or helpless in the face of stressors around them.

For some, it may show up as caring a lot about what other people think, becoming dependent on others, seeking approval, developing problematic eating habits or body image issues. For others, it can show up as shutting down and feeling helpless.

Some teens who struggle with low confidence don’t actually feel lesser than on a conscious level. Instead, they feel better than, as a different protective mechanism. They may feel like they’re right all the time and may have trouble containing their feelings and being mean or hurtful to others.

Some adolescents develop a perfectionistic tendency as a way to control their environment so that they never have to feel the wound of inadequacy within them, which they are trying to escape. It may show up as becoming a hyper-achiever.

Others develop different coping mechanisms in response to feeling not good enough, and these “unhelpful” adaptations can be harder to spot.

Some develop patterns of dismissiveness; a teen who downplays their feelings or achievements and becomes careless or unemotional, or a teen who dismisses others' feelings or abilities. Dismissiveness, in this case, is a way to avoid feeling inadequate by dismissing anything that may trigger a comparison to self.

Being critical or judgmental of others is also a way to deal with low self-esteem by placing the judgment outside oneself and positioning themselves as the one in control.

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Moving through low self-esteem in teenagers

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There are many ways to support teenagers in breaking out of the negative self-talk that they are not enough and to help build their self-esteem. Ultimately, the outcome we desire for them is to feel whole and inherently worthy as a human, to feel a healthy sense of confidence and integration, to experience how beautiful, resourceful, capable, and wise they are. And importantly, to know that their worth does not need to be earned.

I’ll illustrate two of the main approaches often used in coaching or therapy to tackle low self-esteem in teenagers and help them break out of it.

The cognitive route

One way to support teens is to help them identify and reframe the negative self-talk associated with feeling not good enough.

“I’m ugly, no one will ever like me.”

“I’ll never be able to do well in Math. I’m just not made for it.”

“I’m too skinny. No girl will ever like me.”

“I don’t know how to make friends. I’m always so awkward.”

“I’ll never be like these cool kids. I’m just the good girl.”

Identifying these sorts of thoughts is very important because most teens are not aware that at the root of their feelings, behaviors, and everything not going the way they want in their lives are distorted beliefs about themselves. And we can’t change what we aren’t aware of.

Then it’s about helping teens realize for themselves that these beliefs are not only inaccurate but that they also create a self-fulfilling cycle whereby, by acting from a place of low self-esteem, their environment reacts accordingly, reinforcing their beliefs, and the cycle keeps going within all their ecosystems—at home, with friends, and at school. After challenging these negative thoughts, we help teens identify and build more positive thought patterns by looking more accurately at themselves, in a way that empowers them to make the changes they want.

Part of that is helping teens develop moment-to-moment awareness, so that when they notice themselves being driven by negative thoughts, they can stop, pause, become curious about what’s happening for them, and shift their consciousness to something more helpful for them.

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The deeper emotional processing route

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Yes, teens who struggle with low self-esteem struggle with negative beliefs about themselves, and changing these beliefs helps teens feel differently about themselves and act differently, which helps them create a new positive self-fulfilling cycle in their lives.

But ultimately, there’s another deeper pebble in the way that needs to be tackled to create sustainable change, at least in my opinion. It’s the root of the root that will keep growing unhealthy stems if it’s not nurtured properly.

It’s the reason why your teen developed these negative beliefs about themselves in the first place. Because they’re afraid to be with their feelings, the difficult feelings. As kids, we cannot hold our feelings because we didn’t have the capacity to do that, and so we become afraid of them, even though teens can definitely learn to do that. In this case, the fear of sitting with the feeling of inadequacy and their attempt to avoid this feeling makes them enslaved by it and stuck in patterns rooted in this very feeling they are trying to avoid.

The emotional route is about creating a safe space to help teens process core feelings they have tried to avoid, so they learn that they don’t need to escape from themselves. And that when we process our feelings in an integrated way, they don’t take over us. That they don’t need to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to escape. That feelings are just part of the journey. And naturally, by doing that, your teen will develop new beliefs of feeling capable, connected, and whole.

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A common denominator in both approaches

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Compassion and mirroring. Feeling “not good enough” inherently involves judgment of oneself and disconnection from oneself, disconnection from one’s inherent worth and infinite potential. When teens feel connected to people who see their inherent wholeness and can reflect it back to them, teens learn to internalize that for themselves. This is the biggest gift anyone in contact with teens can offer them, not only coaches and therapists but also parents and teachers at school.

Good coaches and therapists are those who, regardless of their approaches or combination of approaches, help teens reconnect with themselves, face their wounds, and move past them by mirroring back their inherent resourcefulness and wisdom.

To learn more about teen coaching, you can visit my teen coaching page.

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